I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
