I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
