I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Randomize
