You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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