I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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