The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
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