My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
