someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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