my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
