I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
