just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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