You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
He did a backflip because drugs
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
