Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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