she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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