I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
