I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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