There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
