I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Then you guys just all showered together...?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
