I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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