This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
