I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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