I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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