I think my fart just growled at me.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
