Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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