he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
