I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
