Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize
