My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
