Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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