I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
