Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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