You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
