Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
