I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
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