i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
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I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
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I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
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