I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
