Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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