get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
