I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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