I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
