He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
