I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Can't talk, ducks in the car
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