Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
