Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
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