I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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