god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
