I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
