I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
