mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
third nipple confirmed
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
