I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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