No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Randomize
