Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I have aggressive nipples.
Randomize
