and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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