I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Randomize
